This is my testimony.
I grew up going to church; ever since I was little I remember going to church with my family. In Texas, I went to a church and had to wear these frilly dresses which I low-key really liked and when I moved to Chicago, my family went to this new church. Majority of my life, that church was where my family went and where they dragged me off to every Sundays and Fridays...plus the bible studies.
So you would think that I would automatically be a “good” child...well, I was actually the worst in my family. My family was dysfunctional, I believe, and even though my parents were both really involved, doing the work and breaking their backs for the church...I always felt that our home life was just torn. My family did their best, they’re humans like I am human, but growing up I just felt unloved and never good enough for good things or love.
Depression is something everybody seems to go through sadly and I certainly went through depression. I really don’t know when I “fell” into depression but I believe that I didn’t just wake up thinking “I’m depressed today, this is the starting point.” No one ever just wakes up one day, depressed. Depression is caused by many factors in life and it just builds up one day to the point that it finally gives way and falls on us. You know?
It was a lot of things that fell down on me really; a lot of emotional trauma and scars that choked out the life in me. It piled up really high and even though I felt I was fine and getting better, it was all just a painting I tried to make for myself.
I didn’t see my brokenness maybe. I knew I wasn’t good and I never thought of the question “Where will I go when I die?” Mainly because deep down I knew the answer but didn’t want to face it or acknowledge it. I was raised being told of the end times, revelations, as well as told some things that really scared me as a kid. It scared me to think of those things and that I wasn’t good to even think of heaven. I think that traumatized me…some days I would wake up and when I didn’t hear my family, I would get scared that the end times happened and everybody went to heaven except for me because I was bad.
Yet at the same time I never really saw myself living to see the age 18 or 19. I assumed that somehow I was just going to die and I did try to die. By God’s grace, however, that did not work out. God was looking after me even then. God, thank You. Fast forward a couple or maybe a year later (I am bad with times, sorry.) It was 2015. I just graduated and was looking forward to college but it just wasn’t happening. One of my aunts posted something on facebook about the end times and it frightened me back to church. Let me explain. I can’t remember the post but it was explaining a lot of what is going on now and it just scared me and I called my dad, asking him if we can go to church. For some reason, the church we tried before before we stopped going completely was the church we landed on again. I think I suggested it but I’m not sure or even why that stood out but it did, by God’s grace it did.
So we ended up going, I pretended in front of my dad that everything inside of me was fine and that I was just curious to go to church but (I think it was that day) the pastor stood on stage and I remember that he said he wanted to do something different. He asked that if anyone wanted to get saved, who wanted a relationship with Christ, God and God’s Son, then they could come up to the microphone and accept Jesus in their hearts.
I didn’t want to go up in front of a whole bunch of people, doing so scared me because I felt like one big mess but I couldn’t ignore the call. I just couldn’t. So I went up their, my legs shaking and trying to keep a strong facade because I didn’t want to cry. By God’s strength I went up to the pastor and he looked at me, hugged me and put the microphone right up to my mouth. He told me to repeat the words so I did and I broke down like a little baby, crying in front of everyone -everyone I tell you.
From there, I was given a booklet to help me get into the bible and understand (count the cost) of my decision. It helped people start a relationship with God, giving them understanding of what it means to get baptized by giving scriptures and also asking us questions on what the scriptures said to us.
God was after me, like He was really after my heart because He kept sending me over and over people who kept giving me the blue book even though I already did it. But looking back, God kept me in that place so I could actually dig into the scriptures and not just read it and answer it without understanding it. Because you could read something but if you don’t spend time to think about it or actually ponder it, you won’t really understand it. So, finally I started to read and dig into it and it came to me that giving my life to Christ is more that just “ok, I’m saved, now I can do whatever I want.” Getting baptized in the name of God, meant commitment. It’s a promise we make to God and promises are a big thing to God. I had to count the cost, like Jesus said to in His word.
In the end, I got baptized and started my relationship with God the Father, God the Son, and God, the Holy Spirit.
And now I am here.
My story, to be honest, isn’t as intense as others. I feel that it isn’t as big as others but it is my story. This is my testimony: I was blind but God gave me sight. I was dead in my sins and lost in the darkness with no way out but God, in His great mercy and kindness, gave me grace and brought me to life. He reconciled me to Himself through the death of His own Son Jesus Christ. He loved me and called me before I was even formed in my mother’s womb. He held me close, kept me safe, and brought me to the place where the only thing I could do was look up and finally notice His scarred hand reaching out for me to take.
I pray that God would use my testimony to help any of you who may be struggling with this decision or going through a dark season in your lives and wondering if there is any hope at all. There is, just look up, and please do not give up. If God is calling you today, please do not ignore Him, He wants to give you life and a new start. It doesn’t matter if you are in a good place or bad place, how you look like or even if you feel like you can’t because you are not “good” enough. God wants you as you are and He promises a future that is better than anything we can imagine. Please, take His hand and form a relationship with Him. Accept Him into your heart.
